I see your IQ test came back negative
You Might Also Like
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
Found the job I’m suited for
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
[my day at work]
9:00am: so much to do, blessed!
9:05am: ok I’m bored
9:06am: *googles am I too goth for work?*
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
Irritating friend: I passed your house yesterday.
Me: Thanks. I really appreciate that.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
My bra randomly unhooked itself. Even it’s done with all this.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
I live in Texas. If I buy four bags of ice I have approximately 3/4 of a cup of ice when I get home.
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Clients after you give them your rates
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
the group chat when I ask who’s available to play next week
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?