I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
my nickname in college
God: I am the father of humanity.
Human: *changes climate*
God: DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT!
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
It’s bullshit that you can accidentally make a baby, but not something awesome like a soufflé.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My superpower is to make anyone I wanna make comfortable feel uncomfortable.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
I saw my therapist’s notes and instead of using my name he just refers to me as “the combatant”
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
As my mate Simon once said, there should be a German word for “there should be a German word for”.
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.