me: *eating burrito* so how do I die?
psychic: ok I’ll tell you
me: *eating third burrito* don’t you need to use your crystal ball?
psychic: no I’m pretty confident
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[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
People in horror movies be like “I’m going to walk through this door and not close it behind me”
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Congrats to the “artist” who superimposed the face of King Charles onto a fingerpainting of a pomegranate.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
Each year, my Dad gives me money to buy Christmas gifts for everyone.
Each year, my Dad says, “I can’t wait to see what I got everyone!”
[first day at prestigious culinary school]
“I don’t see this on the syllabus, but when do we cover French regional microwave cuisine?”
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything you have in the house
– cook two to fourteen hours.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO