robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
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Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
The wind kept blowing an old Burger King wrapper at my feet for over half a block
I know a sign from God when I see one
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
I’ve never tried cracking a safe but I did open the fridge door once without waking my dog.
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
everyone make a new friend so you don’t get assigned to David
Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
It’s frowned upon to loudly laugh in Hawaii.
You have to keep it to a low ha.
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts #DadJokes
How do I raise my kids? Simple, I grab them under their arm pits, bend at the knees and stand up, how else would you do it?
Boss: You’re looking a little scruffy lately, you need a trim.
Me: Sorry, I don’t shave too often because of the razor burn.
(later, shaving)
Razor: LOL you call that a beard? My grandma has more chin hair than that, you suck!
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks