[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
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fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
a couple months ago i had a plumber come to my house and he spent the whole time talking about how he was also justin bieber’s plumber and then he broke both of my toilets which begs the question: does justin bieber have working plumbing?
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
*God creating the rhino*
God: How’d the unicorn thing go?
A: There were problems.
G: What?
A: We got an angry spiked cow.
G: Close enough.
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again