Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
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Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Cartoons led me to believe I would have a lot more opportunities to steal pies cooling on window sills
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.
It’s the redoucheflex
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
Guy who likes music
Pharaohs were buried with their hands across their chest because of an ancient belief that there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99