Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
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If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
This woman named Amanda who lives above me burns her dinner nearly every night and it makes my apt smell like a fire pit so I’ve been calling her Burnie Manders behind her back to make myself feel better about it
Not sure if I should be more concerned about the son who locked me out of my bedroom today, or the one who showed me how to pick the lock.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
I’ve started leaving chocolates on my daughter’s pillow so she’ll feel like she’s living in a hotel and eventually check out
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
As your goth personal trainer, I urge you to stay in shape so that you can outrun your haunted past.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
*handing nurse a bedpan*
Me: I pooped in thisNurse: you’re not a patient here
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
me 10m after sprinkling lavender essential oil on my pillow: I am one with all beings
me 10m after getting in my car: learn how to use the left lane you piece of human shit
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Taliband