I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
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I’ve been misusing the term “sunk cost fallacy” for years but it’s too late to stop now.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
This probably isn’t good
Her: I live in Wales.
Me: like Jonah
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
REMINDER: It’s almost March.
Don’t forget to to take down your gum disease decorations.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
dentist: when did you last floss?
me: just last week
dentist: you know i went to school for this, right? i can see that’s not true
me: sorry, i meant yesterday
dentist: what?
me: i mean i’m flossing right now
dentist:
me: ow my gums, they hurt exactly the normal amount
Aries: You will be transported into a video game. Don’t get excited. You’ll be a tree.
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
[on the phone]
Me: I can’t make it in today
Boss: That’s the 3rd time this week
M: *neck deep in Kit Kat wrappers* I have a problem
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
An unhealthy attraction to traffic cones develops as a result of too many microplastics in your diet and you start driving around looking for road construction just to feel the rush. Hey baby, you block lanes here often?
They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.
(at the doctor)
Can u cough for me?
*coughs*
Can u exhale for me?
*exhales*
Can u make kissy noises?
*kissy noises*
Can you beatbox at my wedding? the dj backed out.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.