•stay calm
•don’t run away
•don’t turn your back
•don’t make loud noises-how to handle a mountain lion encounter and also how to react when your teenager, unprompted, sits down and talks to you
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You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Nothing is worse than seeing a gorgeous girl that I’d never approach or stand a chance with and then finding out she has a boyfriend
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
$3 #books
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Baking is just science you can eat.
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
British people be like I’m Bri ish
FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?