god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
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Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
Valentine’s day is just about a month away so if you’re in love with me, now would be the time to speak up.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either
For the last time, I don’t have any secret prison camps.
Anyone who doesn’t believe me will be sent to a secret prison camp.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
“Cool.” was my spouse’s text reply to me getting our Pearl Jam tickets today.
So anyway, after I bury the body in the back yard, I have an extra ticket if someone wants to go.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
M: *hands you back your baby*
Aw, is he getting too heavy?
M: Heavy? No, he smells like old people and raisins.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
Dang girl are you a New Year’s Resolution? cuz I’d never keep you, I just made you up & you really never actually existed in the first place
Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.