I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
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ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
You know you’ve outstayed your welcome when a British person asks “what time’s your train?”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
NOO THERES A MOSQUITO IN MY ROOM AND IT WANTS ME. BAD
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
If I had a pet unicorn, I’d probably just use it to carry my donuts around.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Day 3 of quarantine: I haven’t showered for weeks
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
I know my daughter is just like me because when I asked why she didn’t like her school’s guided meditation, she said: “Because don’t tell me when to breathe, that’s why.”
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
I’m tired of commercials trying to be funny. Scare me into buying something. I want to be terrified of buying the wrong toothpaste.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu
Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
Me: Everyone’s doing an Easter tweet today, guess I should do one
Also me: *flipping through bible for research* whoa whoa whoa what are they gonna do with those nails
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
asked my bf how work was today