Doctor: You’re gonna lose that eye.
Me: That’s HORRIBLE!
D: You need to be optimistic.
M: HOW?!?
D: Think of it as ‘your glasses half full’.
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pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Apparently my kids think, “Be quiet for a half hour so I can take a nap,” actually means, “Host a rave in the hallway.”
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
probably my favorite breakup story is that i ended things with a guy who had two eggs in my fridge & he went to the fridge & got the two eggs, one in each hand, glared at me, and left.
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
I don’t trust people who don’t wash their hands after burying a body in the yard.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Woman on the phone congratulates you for winning “Unknowing Android of the Year.” “I’m not an android!” you protest. “Marvelous,” she gushes
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
At 9 y/o I was obsessed with extraterrestrials & desperately wanted to be abducted. I’ve changed a lot since then, for instance, now I’m 42.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Squirrels always act like they just realized they left the oven on back in their tree
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
Him: You can’t give the cat treats right after he tripped me on the stairs. He’ll think it’s a reward.
Me: It is.
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
Noah build an ark
“what? why”
I’m gunna flood the earth
“just give me fish powers”
[jealous he didn’t think of that] JUST DO WHAT I SAY!
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…