Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
You Might Also Like
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you鈥檙e
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club鈥ith your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don鈥檛 fall in love with your puppet.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
The woman in line behind apparently wants to slowly put her body inside of mine.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 馃槈
I mean鈥ut I did
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
pineapples would be so much better if they didn鈥檛 eat you back.