Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
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Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
Weird…the ChatGPT warnings are the same ones I have on my hinge profile…
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
I think this cat is broken
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
I conduct all my high level anti-robot meetings in a hot tub. A precaution to make sure no one is a secret robot. They are poorly attended.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
There are four main food groups:
1. Canned
2. Frozen
3. Drive-thru
4. Fried
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Panera VP of Marketing: Our sales have gone up 41% since our lemonade killed two people.
CEO: Dang it. That means-
Panera VP of Marketing: Yes, we have to put a gun inside our buffalo chicken melt.
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.