For me, it’s not a superfood unless it has a tragic backstory.
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No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Me: I just want to swaddle you in a baby blanket and rock you to sleep.
Son: Can you just say bye to me like a normal mom?
Me: *grabs his head and rubs it like a crystal ball* the spirits say no.
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
the Monday after daylight savings
wife: [holding our new puppy] aw, don’t scare him
me: there are 18 million vacant homes in the US, that’s enough for every homeless person to have six
puppy: holy shit
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
is there anything more psychotic than the self-imposed deadline. why am i bullying myself then in turn standing up to my bully (who is me) by not doing the work i know i want to get done but i refuse to be bullied (by me) so i will purposefully miss the deadline (that is fake)
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok