Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Started amusing myself in work meetings by adding “No pun intended” after comments I make with absolutely no pun or double meaning in them, then spend the next five minutes watching people’s faces as they are clearly trying to work out what the “pun” was
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Kraken: “I like to renew my tenancy.”
Landlord: “Re-lease the Kraken!”
#KrakenDay #RubbishDay
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
yeet
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Sometimes I put a cashew in my mouth for the dentist to find.
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Omg, will you pick ONE name and stick with it ffs
– my dog
*Opening presents
1986: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
2016: Please be a crossbow! Please be a crossbow!
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
Fake assault rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out should be called JK-47s
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
I mostly stopped responding to email three years ago and aside from various consequences it’s been fine
Dude yelled “Fight me like a man” at me, so I held him down and marginalized him for a thousand years.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
God: You’ll be huge and fat
Blue Whale: Dang
God: Awful eyesight
Whale: Ugh
God: No predators- except other whales
Whale: I don’t wanna do thi-
God: Biggest junk on the planet
Whale: I’m in
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies