i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
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After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
Her: When you said you could do magic in bed, this isn’t exactly what I was exp….
Me *holds up the ace of Spades*: Is this your card?
Her: Wow!
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I left my kid in daycare an extra half hour so I could eat Doritos without sharing and I have absolutely no regrets about this
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.
u know how sum people get amnesia well i got opposite amnesia i remember everything ask me what i ate this morning. breakfast next question
If I leave out a comma it’s because I don’t want you to breathe.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Valentine’s Day is all about punching people in the heart.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Signs you’re a full fledged adult:
• You choose restaurants based on the availability of parking
• You pay attention to the weather now
• You have at least one mole you’re keeping an eye on
• You have a favorite stove burner
• You don’t give af what’s “cool” anymore
Spice up your anxiety attack by playing the Jaws theme song.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
[on a date]
*wonders if she’ll steal my fries while I use the restroom*
*shakes Magic 8 ball*
“YES”
*takes plate of fries with me*