Me [crying]: I just don’t understand what I did wrong. Please let me in.
Automatic Door: Screw. You.
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I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Dear trick-or-treaters: Would it kill you to say “thank you” when I hand you a freshly made egg salad sandwich?
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
me: my horse won’t eat
vet: ok there are several-
me: I think he’s a haytheist
vet:
me:
vet: you don’t even have a horse do you
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
Onesies are amazing till you have to really pee in the middle of the night then you question all your life’s decisions.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
When taking your dog to the vet it’s very important to remember to put your dog in the car.
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I would be okay with a ghost in the house if every time a bathroom mirror fogged up with steam, it slowly wrote out “DID YOU LOSE WEIGHT?”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
The Ten Commandments of Ayn Rand #XmasAMovie
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.