*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
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i accidentally told a customer their total was $17.76 instead of $17.67 i said “sorry.. just thinking about the declaration of independence i guess” and he did not laugh or smile
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Got thrown out of the grocery store for holding a rotisserie chicken up like Simba again
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
4-year-old: “Frozen” is on TV!
Me: We have it on DVD. And Blu-ray. And digital download.
4: Yeah, but this one is on right now.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
the worst part of facing the final boss in any video game is when he makes you fill out the self-evaluation portion of your performance review beforehand
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
dracula: I vant to suck ur blood
me: oh no
dracula: I will drain u completely
me:
dracula: I will suck u dry
me:
dracula: why do u keep giggling
I believe the main difference is that one will see you later and the other will see you in awhile. I could be wrong, I’m not a zoologist.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
I regret to inform you that I’ve had better lays from a bag of chips.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
Told my husband I was thinking about getting a tattoo and asked him if he had any suggestions. He just stared at me and said, “I don’t even know you anymore.”
What a stupid idea for a tattoo.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.