Dear Guy who backs into his parking spot every time,
You are not Jason Bourne. You do not need a rapid egress contingency from Quiznos
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I would follow a stranger into a dark alley if they promised me potato wedges
“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If you immediately tell new people you meet you’re allergic to chocolate, you can eat all of their candy bars when they aren’t looking.
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
me in 1997: i can’t wait for the future when microsoft word fixes all the issues and it becomes a more user-friendly piece of software
me in 2023: any day now probably
My boyfriend said no girlfriend of his will use social media.
So anyway, I’ll guess I’ll miss what’s his name.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Stick it to the man
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Welcome to 40…your eyes are now like a camera someone doesn’t know how to focus.
“I don’t see race.” -Russian guy in the back row of a NASCAR event
ALBUS: It’s a Time-Turner! We can travel back in time and change ANYTHING.
SNAPE: That’s amazing. We can save-
ALBUS: Nah, gave it to a kid.
Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me