A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
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[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
What’s the best martial art to teach a child? Nothing too aggressive; I just want my son to be able to defend himself. He’s 8 months old
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
My son’s blood type is parmesan.
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
*lights dim in restaurant*
DATE: did it just become sexier in here?
ME: I CAN’T SEE MY MENU
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: *sprays him in the face with silly string*
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
safety message: make your coffee before assisting others with their coffee