She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
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“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
Show someone you love them today by rearranging the apps on their phone.
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
[guy in dark alley]
Psst. Hey, lady…
*opens trench coat*
CHECK OUT-
*dozens of bibles fall out*
-our Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
8-year-old oversleeping in 1910: oh beans da boss at the poison factory is sure gonna be steamed at me
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Sorry for the way I’m dressed I have a scuba class after the funeral
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
My two year old demands that we place her floral print blanket on her shoulders and address her as “baby vampire” and read her “vampire books” (just regular peppa pig books but she’s dressed as a vampire) so I feel I’m parenting correctly
challenging Dwayne Johnson to a fight and showing up with the biggest paper bag you’ve ever seen
“You can have sex with my sister over my dead body”
“Umm, I appreciate the weird offer, but I’m just gonna do it in my car”
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
Based on the number of AVI pics taken in your cars, I’m guessing that quite a few of you girls are on the run
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
3: mom, you got a chicken I can use?
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
As someone who lost his pet worm at a RFK Jr event last year this is the worst day of my life
You are right, 27 is “just a number” but I’m looking for a man, not a boy.
No offense.
PS: Save my number… just in case I change my mind.
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
ON TWITTER FOR TEN MINUTES: aw sweet, there’s so many smart funny people here
ON TWITTER FOR AN HOUR: my life is now dedicated to vengeance on PatriotMike24396857