Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
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me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My teen looks at me.
Her sweet voice says “are you going to work today?”
But her eyes say “in THAT outfit?”
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Wanted to listen to my audiobook, but didn’t want to get up out of bed & find headphones so my brain was like ugh, there should be closed captions you can turn on so you can listen to the story silently
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs