T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
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My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
how high up are we talkin’?
Remember when you bury a body in your backyard be sure to cover it with endangered plant or tree so they can’t dig it up. Follow me for more helpful tips 👍🏻
Doctor! Is it normal to have one leg longer than the other two?
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
PARKOUR
My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
kid: *reading ouija board* she says you should vacuum
mom: who?
kid: grandma. she’s coming back
mom: honey grandma died years ago
[urn falls off mantle]
mom: get the—
kid: —vacuum?
*Survives the apocalypse
*gets a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth and dies a slow miserable death
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
My favorite thing about summer is opening your window for 30 seconds so an insect that hasn’t been identified by science yet can fly into your home.
my mother is taking me to see the monday matinee showing of the barbie movie as a mother should.
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
People who say “I hate to bother you” need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
“He sees you when you’re sleeping, he knows when you’re awake.” Santa is your cellmate.
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.