wife & I just overheard the kids talking about how they’ll decorate the house after we die, so I guess we’re sleeping in shifts from now on
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Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Thoughts
hot girls be like I know a place and it’s this
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
surgeon: scalpel.
me: careful, it’s sharp! haha
[everyone screams]
me: what? i held my breath for 2 mins during anesthesia to make that joke
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
*Taking my mom to a place she’s never been*
My mom: Are you sure you’re going the right way?
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
oh the aliens aren’t speaking to us right now because idk they’re pissed that we flaked out on that pyramid project they started or whatever
I’ll sleep when I’m dead. And eat, watch tv, hang out in people’s attics, death can’t keep me from doin shit
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Just why bro?!
7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.
So now we know her plans after I die.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*