[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
instead of “did you eat today babe?” it’s always “how many eggs did you eat today babe?” and “was it only eggs again babe?” and “there are only two eggs left babe, the carton was full this morning.”
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
nothing better than sand between your toes at the beach, and nothing worse than sand between your toes literally anywhere else.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
I hate when I can’t remember if my wife and I are in love or fighting. So, I’m like a minesweeper in the mornings.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
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