I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
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i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
my first day as a raccoon
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
WIFE: remember to pick him up at 5
ME: ok
[later]
ME: [dropping 3-year-old son off at daycare] see ya in 2 years, bud
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
Gets pulled over:
” it’s because I can’t see isn’t it?!”
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
Do you have to go to the bathroom?
No
You sure?
Yes
How about now?
No
Now?
No
[movie begins]
Daddy?
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
picture a potato but sexy
lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.