*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
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The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
[heist team lowers me into the mainframe]
*I see a bra fastened around the keyboard*
Me, sweating: shit, I’ve never gotten past one of these
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Why can’t the T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s extinct.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?
ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no
Wrapped gifts: boring, predictable
Burying the gifts around the yard: creative, perplexing
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
Breathe deeply. Relax your shoulders. Unhinge your jaw. Wrap one tentacle around the side of the cruise ship. Pull it to the bottom of the ocean. Repeat.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Every time I have to get a new driver’s license it is impossible for me to achieve. I cannot collect four documents with my name on it. I simply cannot!!! I don’t know where any are. I will drive you over to my house and show you my stuff to prove I live there and can drive.
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
#Itssocoldthat..A streaker froze in mid-streak! The town council just stuck a plaque on him and pretended he was a Greek statue until spring
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog