scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
You Might Also Like
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*
*grabs whip*
*flicks whip*
*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
me: [straddles chair to look real cool]
executioner: no
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a Hotel tucked bed sheet
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
*taps on your head*
“Is this think on?”
Very sad to hear about Donald Trump. Nothing happened to him I’m just sad to hear about him
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
*pronounces woah like Noah*
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*
*snaps rechargeable battery into bottom of cordless drill like cocking ammo into the butt of a gun*
ME: let’s hang some floral art décor!
A ceiling fan wont cut a bagel in half, not even on top speed
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn