medusa but her hair is an anaconda
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Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
[text]
H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?
M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
doctor: your heart rate is a little high, have you exercised today?
me: does sex count?
doctor: yes
me: then no
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
[1st date]
Her: so u play piano?
Him: yep
Her: is it hard?
Him: that’s pretty forward but yeah, as a rock
Her: I meant playing piano
Him: oh
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No
(Show and Tell)
TEACHER: What do you have to show today?
ME: My pet.
TEACHER: Let’s see it then.
ME: Okay! *opens window* CTHULHU!
*the earth begins to shake*
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
Son: What are caterpillars afraid of?
Me: It’s unlikely that they experience fear. They’re not self-aware, so…
Son: [sadly] Dogerpillars.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening