Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
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This coworker is in a really good mood this morning, so I hacked his Facebook account and wrote “sexy” on all of his wife’s friends’ pics.
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
GOD: Sharp pincers
CRAB: Thats dope
GOD: Hard shell
CRAB: Hell ya
GOD: Delicious legs lmao
CRAB: Wtf
It’s at times like this we need to be good to ourselves:
Catch up on some sleep.
Eat your favorite foods.
Watch that boxset you’ve been putting off.
Let your kid have a beer for breakfast.
Make your dog some armor.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*