My wife when I’ve lost something: It’s on the right hand side of your nightstand next to your Kleenex
Me when my wife has lost something: I ‘unno…did you look in the freezer?
You Might Also Like
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Eat…
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
can you start monday at 8?
“yes, thank you for the opportunity”
[calls new boss at his home on sunday night]
hello?
“am or pm?”
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
My 5-year-old loves pickles so much that I have to cut her off like she’s some drunk dude at a bar, “you’ve had enough, buddy.”
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
Genie: “You have three wishes.”
Me: “I wish for a burrito with guacamole.”
Genie: “Okay but the guac counts as your second wish.”
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends