Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“
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I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Tom Holland in Spider-Man: Peter Parker
Tom Holland in Uncharted: Peter Parkour
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
Imagine the horror of telling someone ” Let’s grab lunch sometime” and they call you expecting to actually make lunch plans with you.
Time to play a new game I just made up called “disgusting phrases,” I’ll go first:
“spicy wet cheese”
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
My friends wanted to do an escape room, but I was worried it might eat up a lot of time, so, in order to encourage creativity, I ate a lot of beans, cabbage, and cheap beer for the two days beforehand.
We set a new record.
Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
cop: you’re coming with me
me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you
cop: get in the car
me: will you take me to disneyland
cop: what do you think
me: maybe
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
*pronounces ‘cake’ like ‘khaki’ in all your tweets
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into a bar*
*horse walks into an optometrist*
Horse: Holy shit please help me