I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
You Might Also Like
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
At my funeral, take the bouquet off my coffin and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
If I say something happened “the other day” that could mean any time after 1994
*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.
ME: Hammocking is better than both.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Not me starting to realize, after 87 failed attempts to take a decent selfie, that the beauty of the soul is what really matters 🥲
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.