POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Galadriel told Frodo only he could destroy the ring. Smokey Bear said only YOU can prevent wildfires. Frodo did his job; did you do yours?
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
[first guy to be sent to hell]
guy: so it’s just you and me?
satan: yup
guy: damn
satan: *kicks rock with cloven hoof* yup
guy: i really hope more shitty people die soon
satan: *sigh* yup
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
Better than the last 5 star wars movies. 😂😂
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.