mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
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Alexa, take down my Christmas decorations.
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*Map: I have a boyfriend
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
[watching basketball]
I bet these guys all have really big *husband stares at me* feet.
And that’s how you get him to turn off the game.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
is there nothing we can trust anymore
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
how to achieve the perfect smokey eye: apply eyeliner yesterday
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
Don’t forget to hug your friends. They might be hiding a burrito from you, so get a good feel
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.
When I die, I am going to haunt a hot dog and make it jump out of the bun like a dolphin.
*aggressively waits in line*