publisher: tell me all about it
orwell: it’s about a farm
publisher: sounds good
orwell: with animals
publisher: naturally
orwell: and they’re fascists
publisher: of course
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Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
ME: Is that a B or an 8?
HUSBAND: It’s a D. When are you going to get reading glasses?
ME: My eyes are fine. The print is too small.
KID: It’s an O. You’re both blind.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑