[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
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You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
A lady just told me that the theatrical release of “Cats!” is what caused the pandemic, and I want to argue, but I can’t.
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
When your man makes a valid point
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
Wife: Can I have one of your french fries?
Me: No, I don’t have that many.
My dog: Can I have one?
Me: OMG yes. Here, take them all.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Sniffing the broccoli
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.