In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
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If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
God: did you name the 2 moons of Mars?
angel: yes, Phobos & Deimos
[turns to 2nd angel]
God: and, what did you name earth’s moon?
angel 2: oh! ummm? the…Moon 🤷♂️
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
The smoothest fall of all time
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
My children are arguing over who gets to sleep on the top bunk. We don’t have bunk beds.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
*dusts off treadmill*
Alright, that’s enough cardio for one day.
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
if you’re reading my tweets and judging me by my typos I just want you to know, yes, english is my first language
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.