professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
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If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
the cat has to wear the cone of shame and i woke up to her standing over me like a homicidal lamp and any way i’ll never be going back to sleep again
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Gandalf: NONE SHALL PASS
Pharmacist: in that case I suggest prune juice, it’s a great natural laxative
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”