On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
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You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
legally you can do anything in a library as long as you’re quiet
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
[first day on the job as a drug dealer]
*giggles*
“We don’t have coke, is Pepsi ok?”
*gets stabbed*
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
My daughter is serious about a guy she fell in love with at the zoo. She says he’s a keeper.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Me: *looking at pics* Cute! What breed is it? Looks like a Puggle
Co-worker: It’s my daughter
Me: Yeah, they feel like family, don’t they?
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Pretty sure my dog is even ashamed of me right now, and I’ve seen him do some questionable shit.
Don’t ask.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Overthrowing governments actually sounds pretty coup
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
More like Kate Missington.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless