Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
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Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’ve had a stressful day and writing a scathing email to the pork and bean company wasn’t on my list of things to do but here I am.
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
me irl
Them: We should go for a walk in the park
Me: [Excited] We hiding a body?
Them:
Me: Oh right, exercise
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
“Ewww what is wrong with your mouth?”
Me thru coated lips:
I read that peanut butter is good for chapped lips. What? You think I should have used creamy?
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
It’s Saturday, so I’m as lazy as the guy who drew the Japanese flag.
Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
two loaves, one loaf
two elves, one elf
two leaves, one leaf
two hooves, one hoof
two gloves, one glofno more questions
Donald Duck, Yogi Bear, and Squidward stare longingly, faces pressed against the glass, at the pants in the store window.
“The contract,” Squidward says shaking his head.
“The contract,” Yogi and Donald reply sadly in unison.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married