tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
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Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
PLOT TWIST: Maybe eating a doughnut wasn’t cheating on my diet. Maybe going on a diet was cheating on my doughnuts.
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”
ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]
[ever so slightly later]
ME: [dying from massive blood loss]
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
5 ants rented an apartment with 5 other ants.
Now they are tenants together.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
Dolphin son: dad, how did you know mom was the one
Dolphin dad: the first time I met her we just clicked
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*me struggling with life*
I guess I should start watching a new show.
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
friend: i would kill for a burrito right now
me: *who really really hates his coworker randal* interesting. tell me more
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.