I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
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I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
Me: Its so funny I keep dropping my phone
My phone: Yeah, you crack me up
My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
Challenge accepted.
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat