Me, surprised: Why are you in a hurry to get to school?
7yo, matter-of-fact: My enemies are waiting
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If the floor is lava, that couch isn’t gonna help you, kid.
George W Bush kept us safe just like how abstinence education kept Bristol Palin unpregnant.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Why are they called “grammar Nazis” and not “the Gestypo”?
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
So last night me and my husband went to a bar for our one month anniversary and did a lil sexy role play as strangers on a first date.
Later a woman pulled me aside in the bathroom to say “sorry but I was watching… It is so funny how much you hate that guy and he has no idea.”
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Her: I swear this car is jinxed. Every time I drive more than 10 miles something goes wrong
Car sputters as it runs out of gas
Looking at my incredulous face: See what I mean?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
Honesty is the best policy, unless you’re trying to return something that you’ve already worn.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Did I do this right
*in the car*
7yo: I can count to 100,000
5yo: oh yeah, then do it
me: no