There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
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I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I bought a big bag of M&Ms thinking I could have 3 every night for a snack, as if I’ve never met me before.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world.
Any car can be a dream car if you fall asleep while you’re driving.
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I took a pole and found that 100% of people in the tent were angry.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
Hasbulla scolds a kid for pinching his cheek 😭😭😭
“So how did you two meet?”
“Unfortunately.”
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
You got this…
I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.