Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
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There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
Self employment is endlessly odd because obviously there’s so much freedom but I’m always trying to minimize breaks, deciding a set amount of tasks have to be done before I can get lunch, making passive aggressive stickey notes to stay focused, just fully harassing my employees
Can’t. Being lazy.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
No disrespect to the Jurassic World franchise, but the scariest dinosaur is purple and claims he loves me and is part of my family.
i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
Hi, I’m Suki. And I just turned the volume down because it was getting too cold in my car.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Woke up a fully assimilated sighborg.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]