That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
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Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
see you in hell you stupid fruit
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
Peppa Pig calls emergency cabinet meeting to decide how to respond to Kanye’s provocation,
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Guys criticizing women’s pics on here are like, “yes, you’ve laid a fully cooked banquet in front of me — but that roast is a little overdone, I’ve seen better in a cookbook once”
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance