Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
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I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:
Any room my wife is not in – 1%
Any room my wife is in – 92%
Muppet Screams
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
Geez man, take it easy.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
inefficient if literal:
a dust bowl
Therapist: Why are you here?
Me: Ahh, the great existential question. Why are any of us-
Therapist: No, I mean your appointment is tomorrow.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Don’t hand me the good china. That’s a leap of faith you’ll regret.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.