Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
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You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.
The ritual complete, the blood god stands before the cultist.
“I have summoned you forth to destroy my enemies”
BLOOD GOD: …
“what?”
BLOOD GOD: It just feels like every time you bring me out of the forbidden realm it’s cause you want something, and you never just want to see me
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
me: uhhh what did you do?
9: [frantically trying to wash his blue colored hands] nothing. I did nothing!
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a light grey
Me: …
My dog: if that helps
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
Shhh!
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
Genie: I want infinite bananas
Banana Salesman:
Genie: Do u see how annoying that is
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.